next

I do miss morning prayer meets. the alarm or human alarm trying to wake me up. the getting outta the house so early till my security guard at my place got ready to open the gate during those mornings. the driving in the super early mornings, thinking whether to run the red light. the encouragement when you see so many people in the auditorium. the worship. the sermon. the praying. the breakfast and catch ups. (:

While this has ended, its time to find the time to spend that time with Him. I realized that as I commit my job/business to Him, He did answer my prayers. I'm glad that although I'm really busy baking, that at least there's my source of income coming in.

Yesterday's prayer meet ended with Psalm 134 which talks about worship. And I do long to get lost when I worship. Its like I get preoccupied with Him and Him only to find there's freedom, peace and joy. It was a great and timely reminder. All of the mornings actually. I'm still struggling in an area. The area of  surrender EVERYTHING to Him. I just can't and find it really, really, really hard to do so. I can surrender all, except one part, an important part, a person in my life. Tears just kept rolling down. but i still can't. maybe i just need time. Or a change of mindset.

Its been more than four years but it still feels like yesterday. Them tears still felt fresh. The memory starts playing back. It felt strange to share with a cell member, and trying to keep that water works. But i did share anyways. and it felt kinda good. maybe cause it depends on the person i share it with. It hasn't been easy as I find myself explaining my self/situation every week to different people. I get different responses. I have to deal with my emotions from their responses and I find myself really drained from dealing with my emotions. I'm not too sure how long this is gonna take. The healing part. The overcoming part.

I'm just tired of putting up a face. It was really hard to put up with a face pretending everything is alright. but then again, if i hadn't pretend, I wouldn't want everyone asking why I'm not okay. -.-

So I guess, it still goes back to getting closer with Him. Setting things right with Him. and the part which I'm not ready to do, Surrender EVERYTHING to Him

speaking of

Busy is the word. Busy is an excuse. Busy is hated by me. Busy, keeps people away from something/someone. Busy is overrated. If only busy does not exist. If only, if only does not exist too.

Speaking of busy, yes, i've been busy (ugh) with tons of stuffs, yet again. Well maybe not a lot but i tend to find something or create havoc for myself to keep myself occupied, if you can get what I mean...? There was a week where I didn't have to cater food and I thought, oh wow, so free! but i got myself into getting some things done, which I really can't remember what was it. short-long term memory loss.

Speaking of memory loss, uhh what was I....oh yeah...What's up with cream puffs anyways? I've no idea how much a person can love cream puffs until, i met this person and she keeps going on an on about it. Seriously? If its ice-cream or scones or chocolate cake and maybe durian its okayy but cream puffs? uh okayyy maybe I should start baking cream puffs. or start eating at some classy bakery. but then, i would be put more weight. how is it possible that, that aunty is still so skinny and eating tons of cream puffs? diet????

speaking of diet, this had been, still is and still going to happen. uh, yeah tomorrow will be the official diet day or week. or, maybe never? maybe i'll just exercise my butt off.

speaking if exercise, I found a Pilates book which my dad asked me to buy FOR HIM few years back but never used it..probably he didn't even read it. what's the use of buying it anyway?. Basically its a manual on how to do Pilates from beginners to advance classes. Its kinda confusing reading it. I could understand by reading it but after some time, it gets kinda confusing or maybe i just complicate things by not paying attention while reading. Maybe I should read and do Pilates at the same time. or maybe I should see some Pilates video. or maybe i should just read....? hahaha

Speaking of reading, I've been reading books again. this time to finish the course which, i will not tell now. December is nearing. and i have to submit my paper or else, i'll never get a cert! booo hoo. mind you, i've been reading and re-read and re-read all my papers, books, stuffs for....many years till they (someone) decided not to have this kinda long distance exams anymore! ): I should burn midnight oil and read and read and read till i get sleeeeeeppppppyyy.

speaking of sleepy, I am right now. so i'm gonna stop ranting.

speaking of ranting, i really need to rant to someone.
speaking of someone, you know.. ....yeah....well..yeahh..

*sorry for wasting your life by reading my rants. If u managed to read till here, *thumbs up* and that means you really care. Awwwwww virtue hugs*

You're so hard to forget

Dinner. It was great. Food was so satisfying. Our conversation was great. I miss those kinda talks where we would just talk about everything under the (ceiling) sky. Then we struck on that topic again. I can never admit something that personal in front of you. I know, I've told you most of my darkest secrets and fears but that, you already know part of it, not fully. That's the one thing I can never be really honest. You asked a question but I never answered honestly. Even though you asked again, using all kinds of words forming those sentences, but no, I just couldn't. Something in me was screaming to ask you tons of questions. What ever went wrong with us? Wasn't there still something? So, with what we've been through, was there ever something? If no, then why are we supposed to be? With what we've been through, what was that all about? My mind was filled with those but nothing came out of my mouth or rather everything that wasn't related to what was going on in my head. Perhaps I just don't wanna be a fooled again. I don't wanna be the one left there being alone. I don't wanna be left hanging there, again. I don't want my heart to be played again. I don't want my heart being broken by you, again. After all that I've been through, I don't think I can take any heart breaks. or maybe I can't afford any heart breaks cause there's the little man. If only I could tell you, "I've never gotten over you even though I've tried. It's still you". Perhaps one day. Perhaps that one day, wouldn't be too late....

Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth.
I'm just a little too not over you.