crazy-ness

Sometimes I really think that I shouldn't have agreed in the first place. Sometimes I feel that I should let others do the job. Sometimes I feel that, I should have the courage to say no.

One event happened after another and another, made me feel like giving everything up. Made me feel that I shouldn't have agreed. Made me realized too, how much I needed Him more. But when doors are open and things happen to make you feel like giving up, you wonder why the door has been opened in the first place. I'm kinda heading no where with the story or what-so-ever but, typing the whole story out might just offend certain parties.

anyhoo, I've given up the catering business for the time being. My oven died on me. Before that, my car window got smashed and took the brother's bag. The moment when you're all up and fired up for God, things start to happen. and yes, that's when i started questioning, again. And I'm reminded, again, how much more that I need to be closer. (oh.so.hard.i.tell.you)

and there's the sudden of piling up on my plate. I should really unload somewhere.

maybe

maybe being in this situation, things gets ugly
but maybe things will turn out for the better.

maybe, just by spending time builds a life long relationship

maybe, doing what you think its right isn't the right thing to do

maybe, sharing what you're going through helps to clear some junk in you.

maybe, just maybe.
yeah maybe.

things had been ugly. things had been worst. yet, I'm still grateful that every single step has been quite a journey. It isn't over. It has never been. Its still on going. Still struggling. Still accepting. Still angry and upset.

Just waiting for that day...but I guess that day is too far away. Someone once told me, "it happened 14 years ago, and I'm still going through." What more just four years?

maybe, just maybe. there's a silver lining after the storm, right?

a first

There's always a first. That's what they all say. They? Yeah, everyone.

Since water in my area was not disrupted, I went ahead with my plan to perfect the Focaccia and try another muffin.

 Crunchy Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Muffin

 Focaccia with ExtraVirginOliveOil with BalsamicVinegar

Everything went well. I made them. I felt proud of myself. I felt accomplished.

But something was not right. I had never felt so horrible after baking. I do enjoy baking, really I do. But today was just different. Today just doesn't seem right. Baking does help me take my mind off and I always feel better after that but not today.

Today, maybe I shouldn't had baked. Or maybe I should, as I've already had.

Cause there's always a first. A first to feel sad even when you do the thing you love most, can't help you to feel good at all..

You're so hard to forget

Dinner. It was great. Food was so satisfying. Our conversation was great. I miss those kinda talks where we would just talk about everything under the (ceiling) sky. Then we struck on that topic again. I can never admit something that personal in front of you. I know, I've told you most of my darkest secrets and fears but that, you already know part of it, not fully. That's the one thing I can never be really honest. You asked a question but I never answered honestly. Even though you asked again, using all kinds of words forming those sentences, but no, I just couldn't. Something in me was screaming to ask you tons of questions. What ever went wrong with us? Wasn't there still something? So, with what we've been through, was there ever something? If no, then why are we supposed to be? With what we've been through, what was that all about? My mind was filled with those but nothing came out of my mouth or rather everything that wasn't related to what was going on in my head. Perhaps I just don't wanna be a fooled again. I don't wanna be the one left there being alone. I don't wanna be left hanging there, again. I don't want my heart to be played again. I don't want my heart being broken by you, again. After all that I've been through, I don't think I can take any heart breaks. or maybe I can't afford any heart breaks cause there's the little man. If only I could tell you, "I've never gotten over you even though I've tried. It's still you". Perhaps one day. Perhaps that one day, wouldn't be too late....

Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth.
I'm just a little too not over you.

maybe this is wishful thinking

Have you ever had a dream that felt so real that, you really wish it was real? only to find, that you woke up from it. sucks doesn't it?



So, I asked John if he wanted to eat fried fish or steam fish and he replied, " 2, 5, 6"  like.....say what? hahhaah

I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't....

I go back to December all the time

okayy or not...

No im not okay.. I wanted it to be okay yesterday and not be emo and whatnot but I found sad news (while emo-ing) and then I went from emo to.....emo-er and maybe being the emo-est person on earth. and i dare not feed myself with happy food ( chocs, icecream etc, etc) cause there will be more damage done.

lets just say i wish i had the answers and right words to comfort people i care about. but right now, im just lost for words.

right now, i just feel like that red ball there.

till then when things are better.