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I do miss morning prayer meets. the alarm or human alarm trying to wake me up. the getting outta the house so early till my security guard at my place got ready to open the gate during those mornings. the driving in the super early mornings, thinking whether to run the red light. the encouragement when you see so many people in the auditorium. the worship. the sermon. the praying. the breakfast and catch ups. (:

While this has ended, its time to find the time to spend that time with Him. I realized that as I commit my job/business to Him, He did answer my prayers. I'm glad that although I'm really busy baking, that at least there's my source of income coming in.

Yesterday's prayer meet ended with Psalm 134 which talks about worship. And I do long to get lost when I worship. Its like I get preoccupied with Him and Him only to find there's freedom, peace and joy. It was a great and timely reminder. All of the mornings actually. I'm still struggling in an area. The area of  surrender EVERYTHING to Him. I just can't and find it really, really, really hard to do so. I can surrender all, except one part, an important part, a person in my life. Tears just kept rolling down. but i still can't. maybe i just need time. Or a change of mindset.

Its been more than four years but it still feels like yesterday. Them tears still felt fresh. The memory starts playing back. It felt strange to share with a cell member, and trying to keep that water works. But i did share anyways. and it felt kinda good. maybe cause it depends on the person i share it with. It hasn't been easy as I find myself explaining my self/situation every week to different people. I get different responses. I have to deal with my emotions from their responses and I find myself really drained from dealing with my emotions. I'm not too sure how long this is gonna take. The healing part. The overcoming part.

I'm just tired of putting up a face. It was really hard to put up with a face pretending everything is alright. but then again, if i hadn't pretend, I wouldn't want everyone asking why I'm not okay. -.-

So I guess, it still goes back to getting closer with Him. Setting things right with Him. and the part which I'm not ready to do, Surrender EVERYTHING to Him