a time to...

It's that time of the year again. Christmas. :D Where everyone is getting presents, setting up christmas trees, gathering recipes, planning holidays, caroling, christmas plays and so on. Love this time of the year. But as I grow older, I somehow feel the lack of Christmas spirit. The lack of thinking of what to give to someone. Lack of planning something special. I feel, just tired when Christmas comes around.

Maybe its just cause another new year is approaching too quickly.

Well, yeah, that.

What lies next year, is a mystery to me. Everything is still at a blur. Work is a blur. Income is at a blur state. but life still goes on. boy is getting older and growing, too fast. with all this season holiday and season change in life, trying my very best to submit my 2012 plans to Him.

Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
   and he will establish your plans

Proverbs 16:3

THE question

I am reminded how grace is given freely. How undeserving for me to receive it. How amazing, grace is. Looking back the past three years, He has proved Himself to be ever so faithful, ever so merciful, ever so forgiving, and is full of grace. How many times I really feel that I do not deserve all these but He still thinks I do.

Am reminded that I should count the lil blessings I receive. not to overlook any but to see how many times He has pulled me through. How another day had been a blessing. How much joy it is to be with the lil one. How the family and close friends had stick with me through my lowest point.

Sometimes it just takes a lil reminder to remind you to count your lil blessings one by one. And with that, you'll be amazed as to how much you've been blessed over the days, weeks, months and years. Treasure your moments.

I thought my day would end with that. Being grateful and thankful for all He's done. Till, lil one asked me the question. That fast? never underestimate a young one.

reflections

So I was randomly having a chat with a friend few days back. At first, it was those usuals and what nots and casual and yeah you the drift. With any conversations, there tend to be a serious part and yeap, it made me think alot. Not exactly during the time we were having the conversation but more to after. Like till now, and i guess the next few days. It got me thinking like how I ended up being like that. How and why I made those decisions and that it's alright for me to be this way. Looking back right now, somehow I find it hard sharing (and holding back that water works) and explaining why I made those decisions. I literally had to have some time to refresh my memory....and now, its playing in my head and haunting me ):


I guess sometimes its good to reflect on what has happened and why you made those decisions. And it is also important that if any of those unwanted memories which suddenly pops up, I guess, one has to just cry(?), scream(?), throw knives(?), or find something that helps you to feel better. Of course, praying and know that your past just makes you stronger (:

an update

It has been too long. Too long to remember how it feels to blog.

It's the usuals "i have been busy. I can't find time to blog. I just don't feel like it. There no inspirations" etc etc.

Today, i guess, is when I let my guard down and let my emotions and feeling take over. It's when I kept alot of things in and have not been able to let it out. It's when thoughts of "what if's" and "if only's" come bombarding in my head. It's when I feel really trapped. It's when I feel I've given up hope on myself. It's when I feel like I need to be away.

Today, I've let it all out. And still is. I'm not sure when this faucet of mine will stop pouring. I used to believe that I still could have a balanced life with a family. Someone once told me, it's impossible. I'm beginning to believe her. *oh no!*

once again

and once again, back with some updates after a short hiatus.

At this point in time, it's wayy past bed time but i slept way early and I'm up with nothing to do, or there is, but I'm just ignoring those things, and I just can't sleep.

You know that feeling where there's just too much going on in your head. That you don't know what to do. That whatever solution you have, you know that it still won't work in the end. That no matter how hard you try to work with your solution, it doesn't work as well.

when you try to think of a perfect time to talk to someone about issues. but timing can never be perfect even though how much you picture it to be. or how you thought you would want it to be.

when people around you start asking you about your future and you can't answer them. and you start thinking what on earth are you doing with your life. and future. How you picture your future to be but judging from your past, some things just can't get pass you. and it seems like your past keeps haunting you.

when you thought you've moved on and somehow you haven't

weird thoughts happens past bedtime...

speaking of

Busy is the word. Busy is an excuse. Busy is hated by me. Busy, keeps people away from something/someone. Busy is overrated. If only busy does not exist. If only, if only does not exist too.

Speaking of busy, yes, i've been busy (ugh) with tons of stuffs, yet again. Well maybe not a lot but i tend to find something or create havoc for myself to keep myself occupied, if you can get what I mean...? There was a week where I didn't have to cater food and I thought, oh wow, so free! but i got myself into getting some things done, which I really can't remember what was it. short-long term memory loss.

Speaking of memory loss, uhh what was I....oh yeah...What's up with cream puffs anyways? I've no idea how much a person can love cream puffs until, i met this person and she keeps going on an on about it. Seriously? If its ice-cream or scones or chocolate cake and maybe durian its okayy but cream puffs? uh okayyy maybe I should start baking cream puffs. or start eating at some classy bakery. but then, i would be put more weight. how is it possible that, that aunty is still so skinny and eating tons of cream puffs? diet????

speaking of diet, this had been, still is and still going to happen. uh, yeah tomorrow will be the official diet day or week. or, maybe never? maybe i'll just exercise my butt off.

speaking if exercise, I found a Pilates book which my dad asked me to buy FOR HIM few years back but never used it..probably he didn't even read it. what's the use of buying it anyway?. Basically its a manual on how to do Pilates from beginners to advance classes. Its kinda confusing reading it. I could understand by reading it but after some time, it gets kinda confusing or maybe i just complicate things by not paying attention while reading. Maybe I should read and do Pilates at the same time. or maybe I should see some Pilates video. or maybe i should just read....? hahaha

Speaking of reading, I've been reading books again. this time to finish the course which, i will not tell now. December is nearing. and i have to submit my paper or else, i'll never get a cert! booo hoo. mind you, i've been reading and re-read and re-read all my papers, books, stuffs for....many years till they (someone) decided not to have this kinda long distance exams anymore! ): I should burn midnight oil and read and read and read till i get sleeeeeeppppppyyy.

speaking of sleepy, I am right now. so i'm gonna stop ranting.

speaking of ranting, i really need to rant to someone.
speaking of someone, you know.. ....yeah....well..yeahh..

*sorry for wasting your life by reading my rants. If u managed to read till here, *thumbs up* and that means you really care. Awwwwww virtue hugs*

Of laughters - tummy and cheeks aching

Doctor by profession but comedian too. Why? Because, laughter is the best medicine! (aduhhhhh 5 years of medical school.......)

Bimbos can answer any question..All they say is Duh! Whatever! OMG! Like,like,like,like,like....
Msian bimbos(ahlians), name are super awesome!

What's your name?
Abseedee
Wah so chun (not like those Apple, Lola etc) How to spell your name?
ABCDE!!

Went to PJLiveArts to catch these people in action , MACC aka Malaysian Association of Chinese Comedians : Three and a half Men. Courtesy of ReubenLau; Ben's godbrother, had two extra tickets cause his friends couldn't make it. So Ben and I went and had a time of laughing non-stop! These places are the only place where they can shootthegovernment talk a whole lotta stuffs and not get caught. Imagine having Stand up Comedy in Stadium Merdeka and ummmm....tear gas and water cannon balls aiming at them and the crowd. uhhh not a very nice scenario. haha Each of them came out say about 30 mins each, from Dr Jason to Phoon Chi Ho to Kuah JenHan and lastly Douglas Lim. IT DID NOT FEEL LIKE TWO HOURS!! Right now, all Ben and I talk about are their jokes, okay most of the time. Now that the twin had watched it too!, YEAY! hahahah

blessed

even though i do complain of not having enough and sometimes barely making it through the month, the past week has made me realized (again) how blessed I am than some others. Went for Coalition 58 and obviously there were bands played and peeps coming out and sharing what this whole thing is about. How we could help differently and stuffs. And its simple hearing stories from people how they went and visit these families and saw the desperate need in their eyes and how much they have to suffer in order to raise (the x number) their kids. Worst of all if they had a kid who is Disable, makes matter worst. Its easy to feel sorry for them. I myself have known some people who do suffer. Sometimes, in my head, i tell myself that I do not wanna be like these people. Sometimes, they didn't choose to be in such bad shape. Just that things really did not work out well.

And at many times I tell myself that in whatever I do, I must not fail. but looking back, there has been plenty of failures. But from there, that's when I have learn alot. So looking back, I have to constantly remind myself to count my blessings. To be contented with what I have even to the little things in life. To make full use of my talents and to bless others.

another month

July left. Another new month. End year is nearing. deadline is nearing. I is scared.

not recovering from every week with its events isn't happening. I am glad I had the opportunity to sleep (almost all the time) during a family getaway. but what is family time if you're sleeping all the time right? sigh.

ok this post is so depressing. out.

labels.

I was asked to cater for tea for a course that runs for 14 weeks. They had already finished 2 weeks so there's 12 weeks for me to cater for them. Finger, tiny, bite size food are really nice to look at but really hard to do! BUT ( there's a butt again ), their budget is really low as participants goes for the course for free! So working with a low budget isn't easy. Thankfully, the food they need are small and (hopefully) can cover the cost and perhaps make profits in the weeks to come! (:

So I had to come up with a list of possible food and the kind aunty, replied my email almost instantly with awesome powerful English. I looked at my email to her and..*facepalm* I need to buck up on my England like alot! :S

And so she did suggest I leave my namecard/contact number. I think it's very rush to do so now. or so i really think so! and, I need help in getting a name for this possible small business. came across some and...whatyathink?

Mouthful
Bite Me
Confessions of a Baker
Confessions of a Foodie
Eye Eat
Feasting of Art
Food Chaser
Food Stuffs
Jenius
One More Bite
Ooooh, Look!
Eat first, Diet Later

Running outta ideas or some names just doesn't really look appealing to me. and running outta time!. time to send the brother to work. Till then.

crazy

 At this rate, I am amazed how I can survive the many events happening. Especially when this one is running around, like he's high on some sugar, or when he's super manja, or when he just wants attention, or when he turns my room into some playground, or when he demands food which he can't eat for these three months. really, somebody please help me!

 So I went to the morning market yesterday morning and bought some fruits, bananas included. BUT yeah big butt, I forgot to take it outta the plastic bag and it was left in it till this morning. With the hot hot hot weather of Malaysia yesterday, obviously, it became too ripe! I think someone ate one or two. I was thinking of baking a banana cake so I took the butter out to soften. I had to go out, so when i came home, my mum had taken out some yogurt cause she wanted some yogurt shake! booooooo So I had less bananas for the cake. I was too lazy to google or find a banana cake recipe, so I used the Durian cake recipe, just replace the durians with bananas! As I was mixing and everything, I remember Caryn's recipe was different, had milk n all, panicked a lil but went on mixing, added some almond flakes, went into the oven and......

It'll be better if there were more bananas in it! oh wells.

Ben met this person somewhere which bakes Macaroons. He bought some and....nah

It's a lil flat. But not as flat as mine. and huge! this is so like M&M's!


As I still have some cream cheese left, I decided to make these lovelies as I've always wanted to make this for so many years but malas. Making the tart shells is so...okay la its worth making them. BUT (butt again) I should have baked the tart shells longer. The tart shell looks really pale.

I reduced the sugar and it turned out a lil salty even though I used unsalted butter (?!) Imma bake this again because I is not happy with the results. I'm gonna mix match some recipes together. (:

Day Eight

Just when I was about to type something nais in here, my mum walked passed me and commented, " Girl, i think you should cut down on eating cookies or anything you bake. Can see your tummy." thanks mummyyyyy! hello diet!


Day Eight - Your Internet Friend.

I'm not quite sure who is my internet friend cause, I know everyone, as in I've met everyone i know in the internet that's on whatever social network that is. Not a fan of knowing someone ramdomly. :P

updates

just a lil update. with tons of food pictures. you have been warned! (:

 there was a Monday where Ben and I were just cleaning the house and we went out about lunch time to run errands. We were going places and we realised we haven't eaten since morning! Since we had some deadline, we thought of going to different places, places nearby where we were. Ben was craving for CheeCheongFun. But who in the world still opens that at about 5pm?? In the end we feasted in VaryPasta in DJ. (:

 these are really to die for!

 (tira)missu attempt number one!
i thought this was gonna be a failure cause when i placed them ladyfingers, it was floating with the creamcheese. but it did turn out well! Alcohol will added the next time round! (:

 I had some pasta left, tomatoes, cucumbers, and tons of cheese. A simple lunch but SUPER FILLING and fattening.

 Almost had a heart attack looking at the ingredients for these lovelies. Its nothing but icing sugar, almond powder, more icing sugar, egg whites and more icing sugar! these lovelies looks flat because i reduced the icing sugar. not a very smart move, but i couldn't stand the sweetness. omg imagine measuring dunno how many cups of icing sugar, i just cannot stand it! Made these Cinnamon macaroons with cream cheese + a lil lemon. Added lemon juice to make it a lil sour so it won't be too sweet. Verdict? IT WAS STILL very  SWEET!

 ahhh these lovelies. Always wanted to try baking them but turned off by the sight of the colouring. Even for this, recipe asked for 2 1/2 TABLESPOON of red colouring, i only put in 1 1/2, and still so red :S i shall reduced less colouring, more cocoa?

 Mum came home from a function with two bottles of wine. One red wine, the other is white wine. She pestered me to use those wine to cook. Don't know why but it was left sitting around for about a month, and she still asked me. So just last Friday, I decided to cook some beef stew. my first time. and it required baking. so i left it in the oven and told her dinner's in the oven as I went out for a Worship night with SidneyMohede and his team. It was just awesome by the way. anywayyys, i only managed to take a pic and taste it on sunday afternoon! By the time i ate, the wine has soaked the beef really well! yummers!

 Dad kept complaining mine doesn't look like how the rat in Ratatouille cooks. ): oh well. i didn't eat it. :P

 chunky nutty chocolate with some shortbread base. this.is.really.addictive! I've been munching on these like non-stop!

 ahhhhhhhh durian cake <3 mylove for durian has returned! (:

Did you ever had that feeling where you need to sleep, to get much rest, to be able to have energy for the next few days of events but you just can't sleep no matter what you do? yeap.

I've done much grocery shopping early this week and I'm beginning to think i bought too much. How too much is too much? I have no idea. but come to think of it, there are so many mouth's to feed but then again, everyone seems to be on a diet and not eating much. but then again, almost everyone is recovering from whatever sickness one has.

This past two weeks has been a real test. Having to stay up past 3am and even 5am. no joke. I'm beginning to wonder too that I run on some hidden energy source somewhere stored in my body. :S ...who knows, I'm probably the real EnergizerBunny ;)

This past few weeks has also rocked the world in Asia, Malaysia, specifically. Where the opposition wanted to have a gathering, but it was made illegal by parties that didn't want them to have the rally. Their purpose? To have a clean elections, in the coming one. no bribe, no nothing. clean elections. but certain parties had to make things worst, but, it didn't burn the fire in these committed people, citizens. Citizens who wants real change. Citizens who wants to make a difference in this land. Citizens who are willing to sacrifice whatever it cost, to see a change in this nation. I'm glad for people who wants change. Good change of course!

Obviously, there are still lotsa baking and cooking around the house. There will be more coming soon. but for now, Ikea Meatball Craving are met, and it taste more delicious when its homemade (:

what you want and what you need

is the same thing? NOOO!


watching alotta cartoons again. Seriously, what can you do with a child who is sick? Watch more cartoons! Let's just hope this ends quickly. I need my sleep.

a first

There's always a first. That's what they all say. They? Yeah, everyone.

Since water in my area was not disrupted, I went ahead with my plan to perfect the Focaccia and try another muffin.

 Crunchy Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Muffin

 Focaccia with ExtraVirginOliveOil with BalsamicVinegar

Everything went well. I made them. I felt proud of myself. I felt accomplished.

But something was not right. I had never felt so horrible after baking. I do enjoy baking, really I do. But today was just different. Today just doesn't seem right. Baking does help me take my mind off and I always feel better after that but not today.

Today, maybe I shouldn't had baked. Or maybe I should, as I've already had.

Cause there's always a first. A first to feel sad even when you do the thing you love most, can't help you to feel good at all..

You're so hard to forget

Dinner. It was great. Food was so satisfying. Our conversation was great. I miss those kinda talks where we would just talk about everything under the (ceiling) sky. Then we struck on that topic again. I can never admit something that personal in front of you. I know, I've told you most of my darkest secrets and fears but that, you already know part of it, not fully. That's the one thing I can never be really honest. You asked a question but I never answered honestly. Even though you asked again, using all kinds of words forming those sentences, but no, I just couldn't. Something in me was screaming to ask you tons of questions. What ever went wrong with us? Wasn't there still something? So, with what we've been through, was there ever something? If no, then why are we supposed to be? With what we've been through, what was that all about? My mind was filled with those but nothing came out of my mouth or rather everything that wasn't related to what was going on in my head. Perhaps I just don't wanna be a fooled again. I don't wanna be the one left there being alone. I don't wanna be left hanging there, again. I don't want my heart to be played again. I don't want my heart being broken by you, again. After all that I've been through, I don't think I can take any heart breaks. or maybe I can't afford any heart breaks cause there's the little man. If only I could tell you, "I've never gotten over you even though I've tried. It's still you". Perhaps one day. Perhaps that one day, wouldn't be too late....

Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth.
I'm just a little too not over you.

updates

It does feel like a long time not blogging. Finding the time to just sit in front of the lappy and actually writing something meaningful or just blogging is rare but finding recipes, that's another story.

The past two weeks has been hectic. Squeezing in time to finish my pile of work. Getting up early and standing for practically four days has been torturing. Finding time to bake cause the hands and fingers were itchy was satisfying yet it sucked a whole lotta energy out of me cause i woke up at 4am to bake. Yes, I'm that crazy. Zooming to places, getting lost in Ampang and many more, had taken a toll on me. Ah boy having tummy upset was another round. I could hardly sleep as his temperature went up and down. Seeing somebody doing something right in front of my eyes, breaking my heart into a million pieces was horrifying. okay i exaggerated but still, I'm still not over it. I had an awesome screaming session and driving around just to get it out of my system. With all these happening, its amazing how I sorta still have energy left saved somewhere in my body. hmmm that's really weird. And there were tons to learn from, especially meeting different people within those four days.

I will be back with the 30Day Challenge soon. I just need rest. I'm gonna have flu soon, I'm sure.

yes, no?

I was thinking to do that 2week challenge - less-fat cornflake thingy but then, i failed on the second day. SECOND. So maybe now I just have to resort in eating less awesome food and going for tons of exercise. ):

why does it have to be so hard to be a girl who doesn't need to diet at all? sigh. or we could just don't bother and just be happy! hahahha

Day 7

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

hmmm why is it ex-bf/gf or love? anywayyyys,

Dear ex crush,

(I'll write to a human this time) :)
The time I met you, were the time where girls and boys won't or hardly talk to each other cause, it's by nature like that. Somehow, we did speak or exchange glances. You never fail to irritate me whenever you had a chance to and I would get very upset and then, you'd give that disappointing look. I'm not very sure why. And till today, I never asked. You were the first person I had helped in composing music. Thankfully, I was learning music composition at that time. Maybe somehow you found out, I'm not sure. But it was fun helping you compose your songs. Honestly, I'm not sure what kinda tune I've written for you but if I'm not mistaken, you wrote a song about losing a girl. hmmmmm. I remembered we were called to be involved in this music percussion group which we had tons of practise but in the end we never performed. That got us closer but then because of circumstances, I left the group too. I wondered why we never exchanged numbers. Years, maybe one or two, went by and we met again at two separate camps. We got to talk again, exchanged numbers and that was it. yeah, i lost your number and i bet you lost mine too. Thankfully for FaceBook I have you as a friend. We never admitted to each other about the feelings we had. I'm pretty sure you felt the same way too, i hope. Oh well, I'm sure life ahead for you will be great! (:

Day Six

Day Six - A stranger

Dear Stranger,

It was very kind of you to hold the door open for me to go into Shell Petrol kiosk/shop thingy. It got me thinking that gentleman/men still exist in this world! (:

Day Five

Day Five - Your Dreams

I think, finding a boyfriend, marrying the amazing guy, starting a family and all those don't count. I mean they are dreams, the kind every girl dreams of, but honestly, those can be found easily in fairy tales and movies only. The perfect ones i mean.

So here goes.

Dear DreamS
One of my dreams that I have been dreaming since highschool days, yes that long, is to open a recording studio. If not that, a music school with a recording studio. Possibly set up a Record Company too. Yes, I know its super expensive to open one with all the equipments that Ive to buy, the amount of sound pads I've to purchase to sound proof the sounds, the awesome instruments, etc, etc. And yes, I wanted to study Sound Engineering so I could learn all the tricks and all BUT my piano teacher was against it ( i hope he's not reading this) He told my mum I shouldn't. And she said no. My dad was still okay with it as he's in the engineering field BUT one of his friend who has a music business and graduated from Sound Engineering told him there's a slim chance for me, since imma girl and....POOF there went my dream of studying that. BUT, it still didn't kill my dream of opening one. I'm still dreaming okay!

since the letter said dreams, there are supposed to be more than one?

Dream number two.
To have my own Cafe. I've not come up with any names or whatsoever. I have some sort of menu written down. That includes, i can't tell you now. :P I intend to have a small area for 'mike nite' or just have some cool friends performing at certain nights. Probably name it CozyCorner or something but i think that name has already been taken. booo. The interior probably be those cozy kind. NOt too bright colours but just nice and warm. Cushions? (:

Another dream.
To at least learn how to swim. hmm i think this should be in the to-do list but having that in that kinda list never ever happened so one can learn to dream how to swim and then eventually swim magically right? hah

well, a girl can dream tons. 

Day Four

Day Four - Your Sibling

ah i shall write to the older one since we are close. wait, we are right? hehe

Dear Ben,

I had all the attention in the world for three years or so. When mum had you, there were complications and that took the attention from me. I had the teevee all to myself watching Disney cartoons like a zillion times. I was a proud sister when you came into the world but you didn't seem to like me much. Judging from the kiddo photos, whenever i carried you, you cried. tsk. We had our fun times playing around, sort of. I obviously didn't like it when you were chasing me like a mad monkey trying to bite me. Seriously, what were you thinking?

Years flew by and obviously, we got older. I was so pissed whenever I used to hang out with my friends after PMR and you complained I could go out more than you. hello, i is four years older laaaaa. Anyways, we somehow pass thru that stage.

Now that you're all grown up, somewhat, its easier to talk to you. I'm glad that some stuffs you chose to share with me. and yeap, we do have our secrets together. shhhhhh. I'm proud to call you my partner in crime. muahahahah. love you to bits, ben. :D

*************************************

Glad I'm in the comfort of my home right now. The past two weeks has been a constant series of important things to do. hmm, everything's important!. hahaha.

The past two weeks, I had been arranging music, recording the piano parts, keyboard - strings, and some other effects, some guitars and trying some bass, some aunty's voice, and of course, mine. Note to self : Make sure the writer agrees with the kind of music, beat, tempo, genre, you gonna play for their song. Super long process recording the aunty's song. another thing, after these non-stop time of trying to get it done properly, omg, no wonder, I'm more of a musician than singer. I tried recording my voice one of the days and, nah, I had been using my fake voice, or so they claim. Lower one key, recorded the instruments again and, I spent four hours singing, trying to get it right and recording it. I almost cried. sighhhhhhhh. ThankGod for awesome friend to cheer me up after that. :D

so yeap, just a lil update, since we're not raptured yet. oh wait, no right? hehehe.

Day Three

Day Three - Your Parents.

Since its parents, I shall combine both in one letter.

I'm glad both of you brought me into this world. I was stubborn from birth. heh. I have no idea how calm you both were when I came into the world two days late. I know that both of you were super excited to see me. The pictures I see now, both of you were and still are proud parents!

Like any other families, we do have our ups and downs. I'm thankful that in our most lowest moments, we still stick to each other and help each other out.

We have our fair shares of trips around the country or just hanging out at our usual place or finding new places. Although we don't need to go, visit, the most expensive places and stay in those hotels, we had and incredible time appreciating the times we have with each other.

I never thought that with all that I've put you through, that you would still forgive me of all the things that I've done. I can never comprehend that. Just like I'm still amazed at how HE could forgive me. Through all these that had happened, we know that we would want things differently. Bringing me up differently, somehow. Planning ahead differently. Venturing in things differently. Having the life that we always wanted. Having the things that we want that could turn into needs. But we also know, that we wouldn't be this close if things didn't happened this way. Honestly, sometimes I wish that things wouldn't have gone this way. That this isn't the road that we should be taking. That you should be having the time of your lives rather than worrying too much for me.

At times, I'm extremely upset whenever anyone comes up to you and scolds you for the way you've brought me up. For the choices I've made to be the person I am. ( which they think these decisions are yours) Or just speaking negativity in your lives. I am truly upset because they are no better parents than you. Seriously, their kids are worst than me. Just that they don't know that. But then again, who am I to judge or say these things to them right? The other reason I'm upset because, these statements, comments, brings your spirit down and question your authorities as parents over me. With that, I have to endure that ever-long-emotional-down period. That I have to remind you that IT IS MY decisions, that both of you didn't brain wash me to make those decisions. That we have other better things to do than feel that way. Honestly, I hate these moments. [Some adults should get a life. Stop talking about my family and start looking deep in yours. Yes, i know some of you Google my name and read my blog. Seriously, get a life. ]

I am glad that both of you are apart of this new journey of mine. That you don't get to miss the little details of my life with the little guy. With all the tender love and care both of you had showered me with, I'm eternally indebted to the both of you. me love the both of you. <3

Day Two

Day Two - Your Crush

Hah, this one is super easy! I had laid my eyes on you since i was 13. yeap. Been too long but you ain't still mine, yet. Its been tough seeing you. I could never take my eyes off you. Sounds that you produce are superb! words cannot express how much I need you so badly in my life. With you, and me, we can make thousands envious. One day, soon, I hope, you'd be mine, my dear, KORG synth. (:

Day one

Day One - Your Best Friend.

Dear Best Friend.

I've known you since like forever. It's awesome that our parents have met even wayyy before we were born. I love and miss those days where were would just pop into each others house since we were neighbours. How we would play tons of games; board games, those 'batu seremban',  bottle caps ( i still remember we used to get higher levels than guys! ), barbie dolls, dressing ups, hide and seek ( seriously, the house was super small!!!), climbing like spiderman on the door post and tons more. And oh! the time you hide in the refrigerator and close the door when your mum was cleaning it!! How worried everyone was! good times.

Those days are the days I treasure them alot. I'm glad we did spend tons of time even though you moved house. Times where I would try learning to swim, I still can't till today! -.- Times where we would stick up for each other. Times we try sharing the Gospel in primary school, doing some dances we learn at Girls Brigade. Times at Girls Brigade.Times where we would rush for activities like a headless chicken, changing clothes in your dad's van for various classes or just hanging around your house.

Of course there are times where we would bend a few rules. heh. like riding bicycle to places that were off limits, but we were caught by your brother. -.-

Apart from all the good times, we had our share of bad times together. The time where we met a flasher at the playground after school while waiting for your mum. I am thankful that you were there with me. And that you had the courage to scold him and put him to shame! Imagine an eight-year old scolding some sick guy. wow. I'm glad your mum had educated you from young. Without you there, I can't imagine what would had happened to me, or the other children there.

I always admire your boldness in doing things. For standing up for me too, until today! I remembered just last year we were at camp and there was a day where we had to "pay" for our lunch and we shared meals..As I was having sore throat, you told the person in charge to let me eat something else. And the person allowed it!. Later on did we know, it was some kinda test. -.- but still, I felt like I was being saved in a sense.

I admire how your mum had spent that quality time with you and in building you up to who you are today. It's amazing how much time your mum had invested. I bet, her time was not wasted. The values that she has sowed in you, I know deep down, you would do the same for your children someday.

I am grateful that after I had been thru, and not being close with you at a certain point in life, you still choose to be that friend who cares, and never gives up in believing in me. With that, no words can express my gratitude. You, are and always will be that best friend of mine. We did promise to be each others' brides' maid. Let's hope that it'll be someday soon. (:

With all the things and worries we had shared over dinner the other night, I know that somehow, in one way or another, things would work out well. Things are not so simple and easy as it used to be anymore. but thank God, we have each other to help each other in everything.

So here's to many years of friendship to come! love ya!

Me

Thirty day Letter Challenge.

I thought, why not. Not because everyone is doing (some gave up!) but its just for the fun of it! (:

•  Day 1 — Your Best Friend
• Day 2 — Your Crush
• Day 3 — Your parents
• Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
• Day 5 — Your dreams
• Day 6 — A stranger
• Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
• Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
• Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
• Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
• Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
• Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
• Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
• Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
• Day 15 — The person you miss the most
• Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
• Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
• Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
• Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
• Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
• Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
• Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
• Day 23 — The last person you kissed
• Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
• Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
• Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
• Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
• Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
• Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
• Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

what hell is like.

Last night, I was pouring some hot water for my mum and the vapour was too hot that I dropped whatever I was holding and...yeap, hot stuffs landed on my feet!! Jumped, screamed! hop to the toilet. (lucky my kitchen is so near the toilet) mum came running after hearing me scream and panicked not knowing what to do. I too was in a state of shock (and pain!) As I could hardly stand/walk with the pain on my right leg, I put the toilet seat cover down and sat on it while turning on a tap which is beside it and, OHMAIGAWD  felt like chopping my feet off.

My whole family is known for 'tahan-ing' pain and if we say we're okay, its just a wee lil pain, but if we cry and pain is unbearable, seeing a doctor is a must.

Anyways, I have this facial products that is really effective and it has been tested for people with burn marks. Results are unbelievable! I only thought of applying some VitaminE cream or Aloe Vera (since they are growing like a forest at my balcony) but my mum took that and gave it to me. Seriously, I was literally crying applying it on my feet not because its painful but because its kinda expensive to apply on my feet!!!!

As it was kinda late, and I was really tired from all the cooking for Mothers' Day, I fell asleep and I didn't feel any pain. ThankGod this morning, the redness has reduced! I feet looks normal without any burn marks whatsoever! :D

Looking back, I am reminded how we find or hear people having hell experience, them going there and coming back sharing with people that it is real. That you literally burn there. That they see tons of people they used to know dear and from afar. How they suffer there. How hot it is. Well, I got to experience like 0.00000001% of it. It reminded me that, I would never wanna go there!

muffins

After contemplating for i-have-no-idea-how-long, I decided to move my lazy bum and start with my long awaited muffin.

I actually had a dream that I was baking carrot cake. It's quite awesome though, you dream something and then...you actually bake in the end. (: So, I took out the butter in the morning so it'll be soft. Turns out I had to go out, driving peeps around. As I was driving, I realised I didn't have cheese at home for the cream cheese topping. Planned to go to BakeWithYen BUT the heat was literally unbearable. Headed home to find an alternative and..tingtingtingting I remembered the long awaited apple muffin.

BUUUUUTTT i didn't have blueberries to go with the recipe. So I combined two different recipes. :D the one with walnuts and I changed blueberries to cranberries and.....

ta-daa. okay the picture is horrendous.

but i'm glad i did bake this after all (:

labour day

Spent labour day by not being free but labour-ing for free. *upsetface*

I was given a day to think of music arrangements and to record them later tonight. At this moment, I've no inspirations. Literally starting to freak out. With all the things to do in the house, I'm not sure if i have the energy to do recording. o.O okayyy trying to be in positive mode...
oh yeah, since its a public holiday and all, mum took the liberty to move things around the kitchen. and yes, my kitchen doesn't have permanent cabinets because ever since we moved in, they had not decided how and where and what to do with the kitchen, awesome. Counting this year, we've been here for four years.

Suddenly everyone is away for holidays or is planning for one. I want one too!!! and i need it alot. By holiday, i mean, away, by myself. I need tons of me time.

And I've suddenly took interest in looking at amazing photo works and I'm totally blown away with amazing talents people have to capture those important moments. That's gonna be on my to-learn-list. To learn to capture those moments, and not just that but enhancing it with awesome techniques to do so.

oh well, time to save more moneyy

fairy tale

Today was a fairy tale. Thousands of hearts broken...i think. There's still hope for Prince Harry isn't married yet. hah.

Me likey Pippa's dress. Stunning. (:

puff puff puff

It is super tough teaching the youngest brother, guiding him to do some work in the house and his school work. someone please, help me. i beh tahan. One brother has ADHD and now this one has short attention span, LOA and others. Its nonstop of...argasjhdgfahfakjshdfkajshdfakjhdfjakfsjfhahfajsdfsbdjasf everyday. SERIOUSLY!

I need time, meaning alone time to practice my piano and hopefully go exams? yeah ive been saying that alot of times. le sigh.

and Ive another Bachelor degree in Nutrition to do. omg. my brain cells are actually working in a way by reading so much and trying to summarize a 103 paged book to one page. o.O oh yeah, somehow right. i.am.struggling.

on top of that, making sure that there's income coming in.

and on top of that, i gotta do music arrangements for at least 10 songs, record them, play the piano and keyboard, be at all the recordings, etc etc etc. stuffs that I've always wanted to do and so new at it too. IT IS GONNA BE EXCITINGGGG!!! :D

another door please?

After two of mum's friend saw the place, they gave us their opinion on the place; people traffic etc. Turns out that it is not really the right place to be. Only mondays to wednesdays the place is quite quiet and only thursdays till saturdays will have better business. The shops around there closes on Sundays. Buying the current business; an organic retail, is a no no since i-forgot-what-was-the-reason.

I'm so tempted to buy over the kitchen equipments since if i would to buy brand new ones, would cost my a bomb. Then again, if i were to buy them, I wouldn't have any place to store them for the time being. Mind you, these stuffs ain't small. They are HUGE and takes up space. -.-

OH well, I still hope that another door will open since this door is closed. Hopefully, a better offer. Better place. Better time.

The sick bug has not left me. angryface!

it gets better

gah, officially twentyfour.


oh well, the climb wasn't too bad after all. Never ever climb hills or mountains when you're unwell. You get altitude sickness and can die up there. I came down the hill with headache. came home with migraine and heart palpitate. It's horrible.

Managed to present my two songs despite having a sore throat. I lost my voice four hours later. :P

I got calls from near and far. It definitely made my day (:

there's this shop with kitchen equipments going for five thousand RM. Really wanna start a business since it's already there. I don't need to go sourcing for kitchen hoods, grill, hot water + 3 compartment dispenser, ice cooler, chiller, some utensils, pots. The one thing that's in my way is, money. And maybe a chef or two. Despite being sick right now,( flu, cough, fever headache) there are so many ideas, menus going on my head and im not writing them down. argh.

I need some signs, or a miracle.

another year

Another year getting older, and wiser perhaps? hmmm that sounds really old. -.- Just when I *kinda* planned not doing anything, parents are making me climb Bukit Ampang, which of course I know I'm not fit enough but somehow have to climb cause I've no excuse. The thing is that, I don't understand why it is planned to climb after ONETHIRTY in the AFTERNOON. Can it just rain all day long this Sunday?

Oh oh, I've to listen to twenty plus new songs and give comments, i think. Well this one I'm not complaining about. I'm actually looking forward to it. OHHHHH perhaps listening to these people singing their songs would end LATE so I wont need to go and climb. sighhhh.

I just don't wanna grow up.

desserts

ahhhh had been eating these delicious yummy haven desserts...and others. goodbye diet! hello fatty.


An aunty told me, "Fat is the new thin"....

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

what is your dream?

I used to plan my life. Like what I would be in five years. and one year. How would I achieve that. What would I want in those years. Everything changed since then. Then when things changed my life. Everything that I would and could plan for would not happen. Everything that I HAD planned before has to be put on hold. Things that I would want to achieve before I hit thirty, would probably only be a reality before I hit forty or maybe never.

I may sound a little saddist but its true. and truth hurts right? I had been trying to deal the fact that dreams do change while you are living your life. Fact is that, I sorta hate change. Sometimes, what if change isn't the best? Seriously, what comes next?

maybe this is wishful thinking

Have you ever had a dream that felt so real that, you really wish it was real? only to find, that you woke up from it. sucks doesn't it?



So, I asked John if he wanted to eat fried fish or steam fish and he replied, " 2, 5, 6"  like.....say what? hahhaah

I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't....

I go back to December all the time

i donch like

• second days
• being superbly tired
• having too much to do, too little time
• people telling my parents they aren't good parents when they have actually failed too, just that they don't realise it
• having to assure my mum a million times about something
• being fat
• spending money but i have too

********************************************************

i wanna have a Pascal and sew dresses for him. hah.  :D

positively....negative

Just got a letter from my car's insurance stating the total amount to pay.....in less than a month and I fainted a while (okay, im exaggerating) I've always wanted to ask my dad estimation of the insurance but....always forgot. short term memory i have. I HATE  it when there's a problem and that money is involve. siiiggggghhhh.

*trying to look at a brighter side*

I still haven't done project apple muffin. Instead I've been making pancakes in the morning :D

and so..

It is the weekend, again. Time really passes by really quick. Sometimes i just don't like the fact that it does.

Kinda weird that you're up early, or not so, and the whole house is still asleep. Makes you think alot in the silence, well sort of

M.I.A.

I had a horrible busy week and I don't really wanna talk about it. Sometimes I just wish that adults could just GROW UP and not be so siu hei with alotta stuffs. C'mon, how old are you and you guys still play the silent treatment and backstabbing and whatnots just to make things bad to worst. -.-

Other than that busy week, I finally wrote my OWN song! *dances around happily* and I still can't believe I finished writing it within 30 mins, in the mamak. (: oh well, praying for more inspirations to come, so I can write more. It's really fun writing and creating music.

There's still my project apple muffin which is on hold. I hope my apples wont go bad... :S

and you, its been more than a month and no news from you. It sucks to know you are so near, yet it feels like we're living thousands of miles from each other. i need to know what has happened. and what holds in the future. because it seems to me that i'm losing you again and, maybe getting my heart broken once again.

not the way others imagined

Some may perhaps looked forward to the weekend. Some cursed it. Others dread it. Some never thought it could happen. but it did. Earthquake in Japan and now other countries are on Tsunami alert. It scares me somehow although Malaysia is known from being away from the lines of Natural Disaster. Or maybe that's what I remembered learning in school to pass my Geography exams. hmmm Anyhow, Japan, you are definitely in my prayers and yes, I've a friend who is still there and supposedly to be home in Malaysia in say, two weeks, but now, sigh.

Friend is safe by the way.

weekend!

somewhat looking forward to the weekend to watch OneTreeHill all over again for the fun of it.

Project apple muffin had been put aside for a while. Perhaps this weekend i shall bake some! Used some green apples for potato salad and made two batch of apple crumble.

well, lets just hope mine will come out as picture shown above. and taste as yummy too! (happyface)

apples and cranberries

So after the crazy baking period, I'm left with huge amount of cranberries, hazelnuts, walnuts, almond flakes, self raising flour, brown sugar, caster sugar, and and....i can't remember what else.

and oh, I've plenty of green apples lying around the kitchen. Just too many to juice and drink so, as my hands are itching, again, I'm thinking maybe Apple blueberry muffins ( or in my case, Apple cranberry muffins?! ) or/and the usual apple crumble.

but....I still gotta think how am I gonna finish the rest of ingredients. Keeping them too long 'aint good either. hmmmmmmm

say what?!

I totally forgot February has only 28 (29) days. I kept telling myself that I had until 31st to submit some documents...kept telling myself that till i read tweets that it was already.....first of March? yeah I can be that blurrr -.-

assurance

..for one day we know, we'll meet again...

my heart goes out to my two of my friends who lost their grandma and dad respectively this week. Its been pretty crazy around but I'm glad the we're all (being the gang) able to stand side by side each other (or sit, hug, shed tears, being present at wakes, send lovely flowers and pakkam, and more hugs) and cracking peanuts to eat them. Oh, trying not to spill water while poking the box of water to drink. :p

To June and Caryn, be strong! we are all here for ya. *bigsquishyhug*

On another note, mum turned the big five-zero yesterday! It definitely was a crazy day with all the baking of one hundred cupcakes to be given away and a cheese cake. Nonetheless, FUN.

........i would wanna have a party in A&W too. and have the Bear! And all my friends to play the games.  HAHAHAHAHA..That'll be fun. oh well, ONE DAY.

so far away..

ah feels good to be out from the emo phase. sort of.

Decided to visit a friend who's going thru a very rough period. Seriously, I'm not a good person to start a conversation and so, that proved again that day. Although there were awkward moments here and there, I'm glad I made it there that day. I'm glad I got to spend my time with her. I'm relief (in some ways) that she's alright ( in some ways ).

At moments like that, I would really wanna ask God why bad things happen to good people, but then again, God has His reasons. We may not see it just yet but in due time, we'll understand why.

...i wish you were here

okayy or not...

No im not okay.. I wanted it to be okay yesterday and not be emo and whatnot but I found sad news (while emo-ing) and then I went from emo to.....emo-er and maybe being the emo-est person on earth. and i dare not feed myself with happy food ( chocs, icecream etc, etc) cause there will be more damage done.

lets just say i wish i had the answers and right words to comfort people i care about. but right now, im just lost for words.

right now, i just feel like that red ball there.

till then when things are better.

decisions

life is just filled with it. To the simplest thing from what to eat to the biggest decision in life.

Well, I am battling with some right now for the future of the lil one. Weighing the pros and cons. (no im not getting married)

sometimes i really wish signs came with a straight Yes! or NO! so that i will know my decisions are made right.

a new start

hopefully i'll blog more. (: