another month

Another month has passed and now we're entering into the mid-year. Many things had happened in the past few months. Somethings that surprises me much. Others are encouraging.

As I obverse some people, it gave me time and opportunity to take a step back from everything and to learn from their so-called-mistakes. It helped me to remember that others do take notice of every single thing we do; be it the good or the bad. Reminded me to also look at things from a different perspective.

Things in life has taken a whole new road altogether. Believing that there's a greater purpose in life because I have Him!life is truly exciting with God (:

ai em a buzzing beeeeeeeeeee

I can't remember when was the last time I got to sit and type something that's in my head to blog about.

Things have been good and bad and great and okay and full of surprises. March is indeed a busy month! Planning Surprises - not that fun when you gotta keep telling people its a surprise and THE PERSON WE INTEND TO SURPRISE IS NOT SUPPOSE TO KNOW. HELLLOOOO! hahahaha. overall, even with all the stress and poker faces, everyone had a great time.

now, i just need to somehow get back my sleeping routine. (:

crazy-ness

Sometimes I really think that I shouldn't have agreed in the first place. Sometimes I feel that I should let others do the job. Sometimes I feel that, I should have the courage to say no.

One event happened after another and another, made me feel like giving everything up. Made me feel that I shouldn't have agreed. Made me realized too, how much I needed Him more. But when doors are open and things happen to make you feel like giving up, you wonder why the door has been opened in the first place. I'm kinda heading no where with the story or what-so-ever but, typing the whole story out might just offend certain parties.

anyhoo, I've given up the catering business for the time being. My oven died on me. Before that, my car window got smashed and took the brother's bag. The moment when you're all up and fired up for God, things start to happen. and yes, that's when i started questioning, again. And I'm reminded, again, how much more that I need to be closer. (oh.so.hard.i.tell.you)

and there's the sudden of piling up on my plate. I should really unload somewhere.

maybe

maybe being in this situation, things gets ugly
but maybe things will turn out for the better.

maybe, just by spending time builds a life long relationship

maybe, doing what you think its right isn't the right thing to do

maybe, sharing what you're going through helps to clear some junk in you.

maybe, just maybe.
yeah maybe.

things had been ugly. things had been worst. yet, I'm still grateful that every single step has been quite a journey. It isn't over. It has never been. Its still on going. Still struggling. Still accepting. Still angry and upset.

Just waiting for that day...but I guess that day is too far away. Someone once told me, "it happened 14 years ago, and I'm still going through." What more just four years?

maybe, just maybe. there's a silver lining after the storm, right?

It's not about the money, money, money

That time of the year -  CHINESE NEW YEAR! where firecrakers and fireworks are shot up to the sky causing noise and air pollution, kids running around getting ang pau's, new clothes, new stuffs in the house, more chinese food, cookies, spring cleaning, more food, house visiting, and more food and the list goes on.

This year has been quite a quiet year. unlike those years, we used to go around houses like nonstop. But since the older generation has left, we were/are sorta lost as to where to go during the first two days. Somehow, we still managed to go houses and have great conversations and catch ups.

Lil boy is just happy he gets to go around and eat cny goodies; mainly chips and keropok and drink cold drinks. -.-

As for me, I'm glad I finally 'sau kong' on the eve of CNY but that didn't end there. We had a friend and her son over for reunion, and, yes, did cook dishes for the reunion. I WAS FLAT OUT AFTER DINS! and only woke up the next morning!.

Feeling a lil sick every morning i wake up. Find myself really tired by mid day. naps in the evening and sleeping throughout the night. I miss this. I guess the body is trying to repair and adjust itself since I've been skipping my sleep time to bake to meet the orders. hehe. 

Now that baking has stopped, I'm wondering what I'm gonna do next. Waiting for the right time to text the teacher telling him I wanna continue my Diploma. hmmmmmm..

next

I do miss morning prayer meets. the alarm or human alarm trying to wake me up. the getting outta the house so early till my security guard at my place got ready to open the gate during those mornings. the driving in the super early mornings, thinking whether to run the red light. the encouragement when you see so many people in the auditorium. the worship. the sermon. the praying. the breakfast and catch ups. (:

While this has ended, its time to find the time to spend that time with Him. I realized that as I commit my job/business to Him, He did answer my prayers. I'm glad that although I'm really busy baking, that at least there's my source of income coming in.

Yesterday's prayer meet ended with Psalm 134 which talks about worship. And I do long to get lost when I worship. Its like I get preoccupied with Him and Him only to find there's freedom, peace and joy. It was a great and timely reminder. All of the mornings actually. I'm still struggling in an area. The area of  surrender EVERYTHING to Him. I just can't and find it really, really, really hard to do so. I can surrender all, except one part, an important part, a person in my life. Tears just kept rolling down. but i still can't. maybe i just need time. Or a change of mindset.

Its been more than four years but it still feels like yesterday. Them tears still felt fresh. The memory starts playing back. It felt strange to share with a cell member, and trying to keep that water works. But i did share anyways. and it felt kinda good. maybe cause it depends on the person i share it with. It hasn't been easy as I find myself explaining my self/situation every week to different people. I get different responses. I have to deal with my emotions from their responses and I find myself really drained from dealing with my emotions. I'm not too sure how long this is gonna take. The healing part. The overcoming part.

I'm just tired of putting up a face. It was really hard to put up with a face pretending everything is alright. but then again, if i hadn't pretend, I wouldn't want everyone asking why I'm not okay. -.-

So I guess, it still goes back to getting closer with Him. Setting things right with Him. and the part which I'm not ready to do, Surrender EVERYTHING to Him

the mornings

DUMC had started a Fast and Prayer Meeting since 2nd of Jan which will go on till this Sunday. I planned not to go but Ben wanted to go on Tuesday. We decided to go, but couldn't wake up. So was Wednesday. After cell on Wednesday, did commit to go since almost everyone was going and there was this semagat-ness. and a human alarm clock. I actually turned off my alarm when it rang! -.- but thankfully there was the human alarm clock which woke me up after the second time calling. *shy*

They say first is never easy. TRUE! second day was okay, so was third. got worst on fourth day. went there late but i keep telling myself, at least i was there :D Tomorrow's gonna be the tenth day, its still gonna be awesome!

there's just too much to share, but too little time to type it all out here right now. till then! :D